WTNTM: PFS - Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1: SERIOUSLY—WHAT IS THAT SMELL?!? (AND WHY WON’T IT GO AWAY?)

Nobody warns you about the smells.

Not the diapers. Not the spit-up. Not even the tween-level B.O. that could qualify as biological warfare.

I’m talking about the deep, unholy, nostril-burning stench that seeped into your walls, your car, and possibly your soul. The kind of smell that lingers in your nightmares long after your kids have gone to bed.

And if you don’t know what I mean? Oh, just wait.

The Search for The Smell™

If you are a parent, you have—at least once—wandered through your house like a bloodhound on a mission, sniffing the air in pure horror, desperately trying to locate the source of a smell so foul, so insidious, that it feels personal.

🚨 You have scrubbed every surface.

🚨 You have taken out the trash (twice).

🚨 You have searched under beds, behind couches, inside cabinets.

🚨 You have asked your kids, “Do you smell that?!” only for them to shrug like feral little creatures who have gone nose-blind to their own filth.

And yet… the smell remains.

At first, you tell yourself you’re imagining it.

Then it gets stronger.

Then you start questioning your entire existence.

Then, finally, you find it.

The Discovery

For me? The Smell™ first appeared about a year into parenthood.

I pride myself on keeping a clean home. I don’t mean neat. I mean hospital-level sterilization.

Baseboards? Scrubbed.

Carpets? Shampooed.

Floors? So clean you could eat off them (not that I’d recommend it, because, again, kids).

So when a mysterious, nose-hair-singeing odor invaded my house, I knew I was in for a battle.

I searched for DAYS.I cleaned everything in sight.I questioned my own sanity.I questioned the kids.Shit, I even questioned the dogs.

And then, finally, I found it.

🚨 A crusty, rotting pizza slice INSIDE a dirty sock.

🚨 WITH A BREADSTICK.

🚨 IN. THE. SAME. SOCK.

WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK.

It had marinated in filth for God knows how long, forming some kind of fermented foot fungus-pizza hybrid that defied all laws of nature.

In truth, the science nerd in me thought it was extraordinary. 

The rest of me? Vomited.

I still haven’t recovered.

Children Are Nasty Little Creatures, Like Next-Level Ick

See, nobody warns you that kids are GROSS.Not normal gross.Not sweaty, messy, playground gross.I mean next-level, "this should be a crime" gross.

They are tiny little scientists conducting unsanctioned experiments on your sanity.

They hoard food like they’re preparing for the apocalypse.They lick things that should never be licked.They put EVERYTHING in their mouths—including but not limited to:

💀 Dog food.

💀 Coins.

💀 Used Band-Aids.

💀 Dirt.

💀 Whatever they find in the couch cushions.

💀 That one mysterious sticky thing they picked up in a public bathroom.

💀 Dog shit...YES, dog shit.

💀 Rainwater from the basin of the basketball stand.

🚨 PARENTING FACT: Studies show that the average child's high chair has more bacteria than a toilet seat.

(Which, honestly, makes sense considering what I’ve seen my kids do with spaghetti noodles.)

My oldest child once licked a toilet seat because, and I quote, "Well, the dog licks her butt."

I wish I were making that up.

The Hard Truth

Nobody tells you that parenting is just one long game of “What the hell is that smell?”

✅ You will sniff your kids like a TSA drug dog before school, trying to determine if that’s hard-boiled eggs in her pocket (yes, for real) or just child musk.

✅ You will one day wake up and realize your car smells like an old Happy Meal, and no matter how much Febreze you use, it won’t go away.

✅ You will never again walk into a room and assume the smell is "nothing."

One day, you’ll take a deep breath, pause, and think:"Ah yes. The sweet, familiar scent of mystery."

And on that day, friend? Congratulations.

You’re officially one of us.

Final Thoughts (And a Warning)

So if you ever find yourself hunting for the source of an unholy odor in your house, just know—you’re not alone.

You’re part of an elite, exhausted club of parents who have all, at some point, considered burning their homes down just to make The Smell™ go away.

And if you’ve never had this happen?

💀 Give it time.

📖 This is just the beginning. If you’ve ever been personally victimized by your child’s questionable hygiene… you need this book.

👉 joichristianson.com/wtntmbook

👇 Drop a 🦨 (this is a skunk btws) if you’ve ever had to go full detective mode to find the source of The Smell™.

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